It was one of those moments that when it happens, you don’t think much of it. But the more you think on it, the more you see, the more you hear. Like those really intricate paintings with hidden pictures.
I was having to throw something away in the garage the other night, and as usual I opened the door to blackness. Now, I’ve done this hundreds of times, with the same blackness…and contrary to popular belief, I don’t always just throw it in the general direction of the trashcans and close the door. And this time was no exception, I wanted to be the responsible adult…this time. But the angle is just wrong to be able to successfully manage this just from the door, so a small step into the darkness is needed.
I’m an adult, I’m not afraid of the dark. Much.
But I am afraid of what might be in the dark and what may hurt me. Like, boots left on the step and me falling down the stair, rolling my ankle. Again. This isn’t an irrational fear. I said again. And while I never would leave boots on the stairs, and those I live with usually don’t leave boots (or rocks, toys, tools, water bottles) on the stairs going into the garage…they have. Nevermind no one else was awake. Nevermind I’d been in and out that door already today in the light. This time it was dark and…well…I couldn’t be one-hundred-percent certain that harm wasn’t going to befall me (and cause me to be-falling).
So I turned on the light, confirmed the step was clear, tossed the trash into the can, turned off the light, and closed the door.
But that breath-taking moment of ‘yikes I can’t see where I’m going!’ was oddly legitimate. And I thought as I walked back into the house “wow, I’m sure glad I had that light…and I wonder if I’ll ever trust enough to not be afraid.”
Which then turned my mind to “I know I can trust God in all circumstances, regardless the outcome…the Bible says ‘do not be afraid’ 365 times…but how many times does it feel like I’m stepping out into the darkness and God does NOT turn on the light?”
Seasons of life. I’ve mentioned before, I claim the “middle aged” title securely…though am understanding when my parents would say “but I don’t feel middle aged.” This is a big season for us. Family changes. Things that have been “always the same” are now shifting. Old feelings, old battles I’ve fought before and thought I’d conquered before oddly enough come back. Insecurities, who am I in this next phase of life?
I’m not afraid. But the next steps seem to be shrouded in darkness…I can’t see where I will step, and I don’t want to get hurt.
I know the Bible verses. I know “Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path” (Ps 119:105). But the verse that followed all of these thoughts was “We live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7. I love that the Bible, that Jesus the Word, is a lamp to our feet…but I find that God so commonly leaves us in the dark as to what is going on ahead of us…he says “Child, have faith in Me.” (Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.). When you’re at the ocean, you’re standing at sea-level…now imagine someone in a lighthouse calls down and says ‘get to higher ground!’ Do we question them? Even though we can’t see what they see? No. We know that they are higher than we are…they can see the trouble that is coming.
Does this mean we can’t/don’t get hurt? If you’ve been alive long enough, you know we still get hurt. “Even though I’m a Christian?” Being a Christian doesn’t mean we’re excluded from living in a fallen world, no more than me thinking that there was no way I could get hurt stepping into the garage even though I was fairly certain no one had left something on the stairs. Jesus Himself said “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33).
So whatever you’re facing…whether it’s a dark garage with potential booby-traps, or the darkness of an uncertain future, of scary diagnoses, of loneliness…remember we can trust the One who sits “higher than I” (Psalm 61:2), Who can and does lead us by faith when we have no idea what our next step leads us.
