Lately I’ve been reading about the Apostle Paul. Again, you’re talking to a ‘born and raised’ Christian and I’m pretty sure I was ‘born and raised’ on the whole story of Paul; his persecution of Christians, his conversion from Saul to Paul, his great works with the Christian church and his persecution. Not that it’s not an impressive story, but it’s, well, old. Paul writes so prolifically, so thoughtfully, so assuredly…when he went through trials, he seemed to be the extremely level-headed, calm voice in the midst of a very bad storm. Just look at his reactions to an inevitable ship wreck and being bitten by a viper; the proverbial “steady hand.” Man, I wish I could be steady like Paul.
Like especially last week. Last week I could not seem to find the steady-hand of God. I knew God was with me…I had to travel, I was away from my family, I was immersed in a very non-Christian group, I had to study…and I’d prayed God’s blessings on this trip. But I didn’t feel God. Episodes of stress continued to, well, bowl me over. And while some stressors were small, some were big (overwhelming feelings of danger). I was able to talk with my family, I was able talk with friends, I read about Paul, I prayed, I exercised…there were moments that I definitely felt the steadiness of God; the sense of danger went away, I felt directed to talk to someone or not. Again, I knew God was with me…but I really was not feeling Him. It was all so fast and overwhelming and overpowering, I don’t know that I even had the chance to think ‘where is God?’
As I’d mentioned, I was was incidentally studying Paul for this trip; while traveling, I read about his traveling, his persecution from the Jews, his letters to churches and believers, his imprisonment, his release, the accusations, his appeal to Cesar, his shipwreck, his imprisonment, him before Cesar. None of this was new to me, but I began to see that perhaps he was not the cool, calm Paul in all these circumstances. He trusted God, and he felt God’s purpose, but he also traveled to other cities not only to further the gospel but in order to avoid murderous plans by his enemies, he appealed to Cesar not only to bring Christianity to Rome but also to avoid the falsified accusations of the Jewish leaders. He had God direct him to tell the ship owners to not sail, that a storm would come and destroy them; and when the ship owners unwisely did not listen to him, he prayed and felt the peace of God that none of the over two-hundred persons (prisoners and captains alike) would not perish in the very storm he had predicted. I read that when he was imprisoned, he was lonely. He had people ministering to him, and he maintained his faith, but he did not know what would happen.
It was on the way home that I finally felt the steadiness of God; I had not given up my faith, I had not given myself to hysterics, I had calmly handled the stressors. And I was on my way home. How did I feel the steadiness of God? It was not big…in fact it may have not even caused someone else to blink. But it was so profound to me, it caused emotions to swell. How? God specifically answered my “frivolous” silly prayer of the night before “please let me have a window seat.” I had checked my seat assignments, and they were the dreaded middle seats. Ugh. But then in amazing miraculous sequences, I was given a window seat; I read more about Paul, I was alone with my thoughts, I gazed in awe at the world thirty-thousand feet below, and God comforted me.
I saw that Paul did not always feel God, but he simply continued the in the way of God and trusted. In house arrest, in prison, he was tired and alone and even sickly. He did not have the ‘glow of God’ of his face. In fact, I suspect there were times he didn’t always feel steady. His writings to Timothy, he talks about feeling very alone, feeling abandoned. Facing impending death multiple times, COUNTLESS TIMES, being falsely accused, I doubt he even felt that steady. He felt certain that he could have failed his church members, and he agonized. But then people visited or churches sent him gifts and he felt revived. It’s documented that when he was before Emperor Nero, he actually had the ‘glow of God’ around him and everyone was in awe. God was always with him, but it was more visible/palpable in certain times. I realized that these periods of unsteadiness are normal, even Paul had them. I described it to my husband as a ‘trip home of healing.’ I felt God’s peace coming over me. Right there, in the seat beside me, in my heart…here was God. God is my Rock, He will not be moved. God is my steadiness. And he gave me a window seat just to show me.
