I was talking with someone at work the other week, and they were struggling with a particular problem; I listened long and finally said “I can definitely see why you are having a hard time with this…this will be something you need to work on.” To which they looked at me, apparently greatly relieved to hear I’d heard their concern. And I was glad I could help. We talked several times afterwards, and each time they came back to “I’m so glad you saw it the same way I did, this is going to be a big problem.” The first time I had been glad to help…now that they were circling around, I was not so sure I had. The word is called ‘validation’ and it can be very dangerous if we’re not careful because it just continues to circle and can become obsessive.
So why do we need to feel ‘validated?’ This is a common need especially in younger individuals; a child does something for a reason and an adult or parent reacts. The child is young, doesn’t know if what they did was right, doesn’t know if they should push harder or back off. It’s a great learning skill, commonly seen in apprentice-ships. My children are learning musical instruments, which makes me wonder at the sanity of my own parents as my siblings and I took musical lessons; how do parents do this, listening to multiple children trying to learn and impress and ‘it is right?’ and ‘we’re all going to play at different speeds’ ahhhh! As I (usually) enjoy playing with them, and I am their parent, I am the one they look to to validate their opinion of the tempo, the interpretation of the rhythm, the loudness. When they play to loud or fast, I am the one to say ‘slow down, be more quiet”. One day I pray they’ll be confident enough to lead out in their own way, with their own interpretations and tempos; right now, however, I AM the one with the right answers.
However, validation is a strange thing. It’s important in our growth but it also indicates an immature/young response to life and our stressors. A child needs validation in order to grow, they need to learn right from wrong. An adult needs validation in order to feel ‘right’ or to feel support of a decision, it indicates indecision and self distrust, insecurities. When learning a new process or growing, this is appropriate; if it is persistent then supervisors should be alarmed and friends should beware this worker may not be able to successfully manage responsibilities or you’re being manipulated to support a decision.
Now this is not a counseling blog, it’s a Christian blog, and I’m not a counselor to guide someone through this. But I sure have noticed it in people around me and at work…and I began to recognize the signs of it in my own mental reasoning at times. I am certainly not immune to this inappropriate adult defense mechanism. But that led me to another couple of thoughts: Validation 1) Why do we want it so badly and 2) what does this say about our Godly walk?
And normally I’d want to answer them one at a time, but my studies actually brought me back to a combination answer. The one answers the other. And this is where I get goosebumps because while I was trying to reason this through, God provided inspiration by my current studies on the life of the apostle Paul. In his letters to the believers in varying cities, he wrote about things that they were struggling with. In Galations 1:10, you can read his answer to this sort of belief: from the English Standard Version he writes “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Did you catch that? Do you see the correlation? Especially in a new faith, it’s ok to read and pray and work with a Christian leader, “am I correct in this belief?” That is spiritual ‘milk’. But God expects us to begin to grow in our beliefs, to use Him as a reference for validation. This is spiritual ‘meat.’
Want to hear it again? More goosebumps, with these thoughts in mind I was listening to the radio and I heard someone read a Bible verse from The Message version and it literally used the word ‘validate’. This is Psalm 37:5-7 “Open up before GOD, keep nothing back; he’ll do whatever needs to be done: He’ll validate your life in the clear light of day and stamp you with approval at high noon. Quiet down before GOD, be prayerful before him…” If we are walking in God, HE will be the one to validate our lives and bring us peace and approval.
So why do we want it so badly and what does it say about our Godly walk? It says we are walking about wanting to please man (including ourselves) and to have their approval and we do not trust our walk with God enough to trust Him with guiding our lives and decisions. Ouch. It says we are not quieting down before GOD, we are not being prayerful about our life. Ouch again. We are seeking approval from man, not God.
Again, this is not a counseling blog. You are not supposed to go beating others over the head with this information, accusing them. We are supposed to be looking inward, asking if WE are this person, if this is OUR level of spiritual immaturity. I saw it in me. And the Bible IS the living word, I was humbled and had to do some serious self-reflection. But then the answer is here, too….identify the problem, and then see that yet again I’m not in control [ see the post on Change ] and that God has me in His hand and will guide me if I let Him. We can then certainly be a resource for people who we see struggling with this; instead of being drawn in to their need for validation, we can say “hey friend, I don’t think you need my approval…have you taken this to God prayerfully? I found that when I’m running in this circle of thought, the Bible is a great resource.”
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwelling the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:3-4 (NIV)
