I probably have other things I’m supposed to be doing…but I do some of my best thinking while my husband is gone and I’m working on projects and likely listening to opera. Don’t worry…hub’s is at work, nothing’s wrong. But I was speaking of “best thinking.” Marriage was randomly on my mind while I was project-ing, and I can happily say our marriage is fine.
But you know what they say, marriage is work. And that was what was on my mind…. I was one of those who was blessed to help numerous friends and church members get married before I myself had the chance. I got to observe a lot. And learn a lot. And yet every marriage still has its moments of work. It’s not infrequent that I also get to talk about marriage with my work–I’m touched when people ask for guidance, what is a secret for marriage. But unfortunately, there is rarely a “checklist” that works all the time, and less often that works for everyone.
So why did I think that my musings today were any better than those I’ve had historically? Better enough to risk writing them down publicly, as if giving guidance? Truth, it was the word “selfishness.” Now, before you think that I’m going to criticize the need to care for “self” in a marriage, I’m not. I say often “God alone looked at a man and a woman and said ‘yeah…marriage between them…they could work it out.'” The pre-marriage books that suggest men and women are from different planets, that each have their own way of speaking and receiving love, that are for just the man and just the woman in a marriage…so many books…but all suggest that we are different, we are separate, we are individuals…and then we each have tendencies that when working together are amazing but when working opposite can be explosive. Again…only God.
And that’s part of it. Step one. Only God. God says “they could work it out…with Me.” So, without going into it much more right here, to successfully continue in the same trajectory with a spouse requires a God-sized magnet constantly drawing us back together.
Because we tend to stray, or flip, like magnets that then are pushing each other away. I was talking about selfishness. Think about it. When we date or court, selfishness rarely raises its head. “Sure you can have the last piece.” “No, I’ll come to you, what you’re doing is important.” “You take my jacket, it’s cold out.” “You need your sleep, I’ll make breakfast.” But putting two people together, bound with a vow, and before you know it the need for “self” starts to come in and test the strength of the vow. And THESE THOUGHTS ARE NOT EVIL. Go back over the list of statements above…assuming you’ve been married for more than 5 years at least, see how those statements have changed. I look back at my own marriage, now approaching two decades, and think of how my own responses (if not aloud, then certainly in my head) have changed. “I can’t believe he thought I was the morning person around here…” “I’m sorry, I have to get this done, I’ll see you when I see you.” “You should have looked at the weather yourself…deal with it.” And my favorite “Who ate my leftovers!!!?????” I may have said those words. At least once.
Take a deep breath. I know I have to some times. Again, these thoughts of themselves ARE NOT evil. And to be truthful, because a marriage is two people (and then you add children, oh my) coming together as one, it’s important to remember that there are still two people. Hear me out. You can’t feed just one of the people in a marriage, you can’t give just one adequate sleep, you can’t allow just one to have all the support…. Do you see what I’m saying? It takes nurturing both. BUT. But. It sometimes can’t be both at the same time (and possibly rarely is). Look at a couple when one of the spouses is starting up a new business; it likely will require more work for the other to keep everything afloat, for a time. Look at a couple with a new baby; inevitably one feels more needed than the other, and for the growing family there will need to be an adjustment of house-cares for a time. Look at a couple when one is ill, whether a cold or a serious condition; obviously, the balance is off-set.
I once told a friend “marriage is 110% and 110%…that way when one is not at 110% that day, the marriage still can thrive.” But here is where the “selfishness” comes in. Notice the “for a time” above. Observing others, talking to others, working out hiccups in my own marriage…NO MARRIAGE IS HEALTHY IF ONE PART OF THE COUPLE CONTRIBUTES LESS THAN 100% OF THE TIME, ALL THE TIME. It’s ok to request a period of time to be selfish…new baby, new business, sickness, depression. But it should only be for a time, and realize that a human reaction to one person being self-serving is the need to be self-serving yourself. Look at toddlers; one has a toy, the other wants the toy. It is no different in marriage; one gets extra sleep, the other wants extra sleep. One gets a vacation, the other wants a vacation. One gets attention from work…or unsolicited from an individual, and the other will often wish for and possibly solicit the same for themself.
So, in my musings of the day…it’s ok to request a time to be selfish, for a season, with the understanding of your spouse regarding what and why you are needing this. BUT the marriage will NOT thrive…and possibly not survive…if both members are choosing to/needing to be self-seeking all the time…or if one spouse continually is self-seeking and does not allow for the other half to nourish themself.
To the newbies, asking for “secrets.” Let me add a little hint…this does not often happen like in a counseling session, when “each person gets a turn holding the item that gives them a chance to say / feel / seek care when they want or need it.” No, marriage is much more like a relay race, but you never know when the baton may need to change hands and sometimes didn’t even realize you were the one holding the baton. You wake up and your spouse has a splitting headache…ouchy. You might just need to make breakfast…again. You’ve got extra work you need to get done today, but your spouse has a critical deadline or a partner that called in sick…you need to pull on your ‘big boy/girl panties’ and do what needs to get done for the next day or two. You feel God’s calling you in a different direction for work, and you realize you need to sit down with your loving spouse and talk over what that means for them and the family. You have been mentally overwhelmed, and need to request a couple hours to rest.
And…before I forget…this is where the beautiful passage in Ephesians about “wives submit yourself to your own husbands as you do to the Lord….husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up of her” comes in (Ephesians 5:22-28). I hope to do another blog on this alone, because after this many years married to a wonderful Christian man, it is actually one of my favorite discussions. But the summary right now is, remember that this is supposed to be working together, not insisting that the other person behave in a certain manner.
And sometimes that means having one of the hardest conversations you’ll have in your marriage–somehow getting the words out in love (because that is how we’re supposed to want to have this conversation) that the other spouse is being overly selfish, whether they knew it or not. If they have been selfish and continue to insist upon it, be careful as this could indicate a tendency for narcissism and could develop into abuse. If they have been selfish and didn’t realize it, use statements like “When you say this, I feel….” and while this may cause a small fire of frustration, if God is part of your marriage, it will often lead to apologies and even greater intimacy. And if they break down and cry, it is likely because they know they are failing in the marriage deal, they just can’t seem to find footing and support and health enough to pick their 110% back up, and they don’t know what else to do…so help them know they are not alone, you are supporting the marriage with your 110% BUT it may also require rethinking things, simplifying life, working together on a budget seeing a counselor, seeing a healthcare professional….
Oh, marriage…such an amazing thing. And with God, the dance can be so beautiful it makes your heart ache. But dance partners can step on each others toes, can wish to be in the lime light, can refuse to be supportive…a dance of one person is rarely as beautiful, but dancing with a partner is certainly more complicated. And it’s ok to request additional support from your dance partner, but remember that your job is to also respond to their support and thus dance in a manner to move through life effortlessly, letting the music from the Master Musician (God) lead. The secret marriage dance is no secret…but it definitely requires work, and is what makes each marriage so unique, each dance a work of art.
Happy dancing!
